here i sit, sweating and hungover, having slept from approximately 8 am to 1 pm, hungover, sweat dripping all over me, typing on a keyboard like some kind of freak, listening to ambient music in some attempt to soothe me. but i feel great, i really do, and i could not even begin to explain why. all i can feel is hope and reality, two very extreme feelings. im figuring out the things that matter in life. i always considered "hitting rock bottom" to be a terrible thing, obviously, but now that ive really felt it - the past few months have been full of despair, confusion, depression, loneliness, paranoia, etc - i kind of understand the positive side to it. you need something to shake you. the problem with my sadness is that its been gnawing and constant, subtle, not dramatic or important. im a neurotic person. i sit and think too much. ive reached a point where i've had to face some of my problems - especially regarding people and my own behaviour, and i feel truly ready to approach and fix them. i want to be a kinder, more sincere person, less self-absorbed and hedonistic. a lot of my behaviour is entirely self serving - there have been times where ive engage in conversation solely as some weird mental game to "win" and feel some kind of shot of relief. hedonistic. ive never felt like such an awful person as i have recently, being forced to face the fact that there are plenty of people who hate me, and maybe there's a reason for that. its very, very easy to get lost in the idea that people who hate you for being yourself arent worth talking to at all - of course, there is genuine truth to that. there are lots of people who simply live to hurt and judge people for no reason, people impossible to break through to. but people generally dont hate people for no reason, and i think its good to try to at least come to some sort of understanding with these people rather than push back against their hatred out of stubbornness. yes, people will hate, but to treat them with hatred back isn't the best idea. if you can treat people with genuine kindness, theres an easiness in the knowledge that you've done what's right. my bad habit lies in the fact that i love pushing back against people who hate me. if being myself annoys somebody, it brings me joy to be myself even more to them. it feels like some kind of justice. but, its (obviously) an awful thing to be awful to people . and im going to quit
i sit here, also, trying to figure out what i want to do with this website. i very much want it to be incredibly simple and unflashy, but theres a lot of choice in stark minimalism also. the choices almost seem to matter more in this context. the biggest choice ive yet to make is whether to make the site black on white or white on black - white on black is way too harsh on the eyes, i feel, but also ive always preferred this. i could always tinker and make the colours less intense to lessen the harshness but that would feel like some kind of bizarre compromise and im not sure if im willing to do that. but time will tell - for now, im feeling black on white. :-P i dont want to take this site too seriously but i dont really know what that means. i just want to be real, and maybe its ok to take myself seriously. ive taken myself so unseriously for so long that ive become something less than human.
in my current state, i cant leave the house - im disgusting. sweating all over and unshowered. ill take my shower soon and leave for a little bit, maybe buy an iced tea and sit down and enjoy it. for now.. i enjoy tujiko noriko